I just realised l hadn't updated anyone about the motorhome saga.
Since the motor home was collected by l assumed barclays -clydesdale barclays partner finance l have had 2 late evening phone calls when l caught them driving (yes l was on bluetooth) saying sorry we haven't been in touch. I told them l wasn't interested in sorry l wanted in writing confirmed it was barclays collected the motor home & all debts were wiped out. I was promised but nothing arrived.
Finally l blew my stack & for the first time called in my MP, never used one of these strange creatures before but felt if they are any use l may as well test mine. I sent her an explanation of what had happened and that all l wanted was confirmation it was barclays that had collected the vehicle & all debts were wiped.
I got a letter back she had sent a letter off to barclays & would notify me as soon as she heard back. I was counting on the fact the banks are under a lot of heavy dodo and the behaviour towards a widow is not going to go down well in the media which was my next step. I avoided them though till last as after their behaviour to me when Brian and Emma passed l am not overly keen on them.
The week before l was due to go away about 18th May l contacted the mp again & spoke to l guess her secretary. He apologised about the time taken but was just sending me a letter on from barclays but not to worry all was sorted.
I wasn't so much worried but l was fed up & pissed off & angry never a good combination for me as l then turn to instinct & someone gets hurt, l may get hurt as well but l never mind about that to much l make sure the target is though.
The letter arrived the next day have to say l was impressed my MP had well delivered the goods. This is a first given my normal feelings of loathing towards them.
It was from the MD of clydesdale -barclays partner finance my MP had contacted bob diamond as you know the boss tosser at barclays who had contacted him (MD) to get it sorted fast. All was cleared, they were at fault sincerest apoliges (l dismissed sincere as we are talking bankers of great & lofty heights not local bank folks) but the matter was now closed & he hoped l could feel that l was able to move on from a bad chapter in my life.
This left me one more mountain to climb. Mint & the creature from the black lagoon there aka bitch from hell who made it her life's work to be unpleasant despite or because of the circumstances.
I got untold numbers of letters threatening bailiffs & court for non payment, despite my letters & phone calls in return saying Brian was dead no more deceased and gone. Death certificates were sent 2 of them the initial & official post coroners inquest one & finally the estates department (who had been very helpful & pleasant) managed to get it into the bitches head & l was told by her that they would accept my letters but check up with me in 6 months to see if l had any money come in they could get their greasy hands on.
As 6 months were now up l rang up to speak to whoever l could as the woman who signed the letters was a ghost. The lady l spoke to was very pleasant but confused. She read out everything on the computer to me & said the account had been closed 6 months before they had no reason to contact me. She could find no record of the letter sent threatening me with a check up "in 6 months" & apologised for whatever had gone on & said they didn't usually check up like l was saying.
So result is as far as l am concerned the will is now closed all companies dealt with & l can get on with my happy little life which l feel no happiness for & people keep telling me l will. Yes l get small pleasures with some things but there is no everlasting joy.
I know Brian is with me & that does help a lot, l can not feel or see him although so many strange things have happened l have no doubt he is with me.
What hurts is l can't throw my arms round him, smell his stinky jerseys or t-shirts too sweaty to use that needs a wash but he doesn't want to dirty other things till he has ended doing whatever.
I don't hear his cheerful greeting to me when l amble up to give him a hug after he has been jumping or whatever & l have a coffee prepared for him or drop the hint l am hungry is he going to come & cook for me.
I deal with my mum thinking l would love a hug from him l can feel not just imagine as she gets up to ever more stupid things l have to deal with. To check letters l send off to make sure l am not overly honest about incompetent psychiatrists .
All the mirryiad of things that 2 people who still loved each other deeply feel & do have changed & l have a lot to learn about how to adjust which given the state of my mum it will be a long time before l have my own time to do that.
So life goes on but not with the joy l used to feel so l will see what the future brings & although l will do nothing stupid l carry a do not resuscitate card only give pain relief & sedation & have a "living will" drawn up on tight parameters by a lawyer & state it & who has copies of it is on the wallet card.
I have vague plans as in sorting work, wanting to buy a hardshell canoe & wanting to do a skydive & jump Brian's kit, the ring with Brian's ashes in is on the cards for the week after next but l have no big plans.
My 50th birthday next year l used to look forward to as l would have lived half a century it seemed a good reason to celebrate but not now.
On a positive when note when l do get positives l promise to post them not just the negatives in life. In the mean time life..............................
Saturday 24 September 2011
Monday 19 September 2011
Gods Candles
I wrote this to explain to a special friend David C who has been a tower of spiritual strength how l feel about the night, it still needs tweaking but with me that can take years, it explains a bit how l feel about the night & why l love walking & kayaking in the dark, a very special time when you have just your thoughts & not the distractions of daylight:
God’s Candles
They assume the night is black, as black as Satan’s darkest sin
Inside they huddle, curtains tight, across the cold clear glass
Inside the rooms all lights are lit, to bring back their precious day.
They miss the softness of ev’n blackest night, no sin in it but love so bright
They miss the stars that pierce points, through a blackened velvet cloth of sky
Like untouched jewels of Angels fair, no earthly diamond pure as they
No blood, no pain, no wealth from others can be used gain them.
Their beauty and their shimmer owned by creatures of the night
Soft light falls upon the world below, spilled from the many faces of the moon,
From wide tooth grin too tight lipped smile, depending on her feeling.
Moon light paints black spans of water, with silhouettes of trees & buildings striding ‘long the waters edge,
Trees fold back to jet black groves, strange noises scare the wary.
Leaves that tremble in the gentle breeze, while light reflects from dew touched tips.
Light from heaven, not Satan’s pits.
Dusting's of mist in low patches hover, across the glinting, black still water
Untouchable by reaching hands it wraps in skeins around the body
Caused by temperature flux ‘twix land and water so scientists would say
But we know the truth, it’s breath from hidden monsters
Clouds may hurry across the sky and cover up the light
But above that cloud the light still shines, even if we can’t see it
Just watch the tides they know it too and allow the pull to guide them.
So pull back those curtains, turn off your lights and go walk in the garden.
No monsters there, just the place you know
Lit by Gods candles from heaven.
© CL VN 8/2011
God’s Candles
They assume the night is black, as black as Satan’s darkest sin
Inside they huddle, curtains tight, across the cold clear glass
Inside the rooms all lights are lit, to bring back their precious day.
They miss the softness of ev’n blackest night, no sin in it but love so bright
They miss the stars that pierce points, through a blackened velvet cloth of sky
Like untouched jewels of Angels fair, no earthly diamond pure as they
No blood, no pain, no wealth from others can be used gain them.
Their beauty and their shimmer owned by creatures of the night
Soft light falls upon the world below, spilled from the many faces of the moon,
From wide tooth grin too tight lipped smile, depending on her feeling.
Moon light paints black spans of water, with silhouettes of trees & buildings striding ‘long the waters edge,
Trees fold back to jet black groves, strange noises scare the wary.
Leaves that tremble in the gentle breeze, while light reflects from dew touched tips.
Light from heaven, not Satan’s pits.
Dusting's of mist in low patches hover, across the glinting, black still water
Untouchable by reaching hands it wraps in skeins around the body
Caused by temperature flux ‘twix land and water so scientists would say
But we know the truth, it’s breath from hidden monsters
Clouds may hurry across the sky and cover up the light
But above that cloud the light still shines, even if we can’t see it
Just watch the tides they know it too and allow the pull to guide them.
So pull back those curtains, turn off your lights and go walk in the garden.
No monsters there, just the place you know
Lit by Gods candles from heaven.
© CL VN 8/2011
Wednesday 7 September 2011
New V Old
I remember the days you only had one or two. One tv channel, two types of loo roll soft or wax paper one type of washing up liquid, green a huge wow factor when l found a yellow opps sorry lemon flavour bottle.
Now there is a profusion of tv channels catering as they say to every taste, and trying to get you into things you never even realised existed. History to news, soap to humour, true crime to adverts, betting to health, cooking to diy so many others l am not going to even attempt to name them all. A lot are a waste of time others are brilliant and some not quite sure what side of the fence they have landed hopping between appalling and brilliant.
We have lost, l am sure it's loosing wasn't lamented the "cheap wax" paper on a roll. That stuff was deadly l don't know if anyone ever found a use for it be interesting if there was a use found as it was useless as loo roll.
Now there is thick soft, quilted soft, single skin soft, double quilted soft, recycled soft recycled quilted soft, uggs sorry the thought of recycled loo paper doesn't appeal.
Colours can match with any bathroom you care to put in, and there is some pretty awful bathrooms out there.
Washing up liquid l thought we had reached the zenith of these a couple of years ago with flavours like Lavender. Yet again l was wrong marketing men have gone positively nuts. Ginger and nutmeg, green tea, strawberry & peach, cucumber, apple blossom, summers day to name and along with the new names are new colours. Some very pretty purples or vivid blue they alternate with pale washy creams that look like badly curdled milk.
Every time l go somewhere new to work l find a different flavour and marvel at the mind that can come up with such garbage.
I am surprised they haven't brought out a "meaty flavour" to wash pet food bowls based on the myriad of pet food "flavours" for sale. Those would go off the shelf so fast the head would spin. Common sense has not been a strong point with UK pet owners in the past and it isn't looking like starting any time soon.
People seem to think that each fragrance and or colour must wash up even better than the old one they used as it has a fancy name. The fact it is just suds in a bottle seems to escape them. I just go for the cheap green at least this flurry of flavours has done us dinosaurs a favour, the "old" green has dropped down in price.
So while you wander down those long meandering isles choosing colours and flavours that some nameless suit has come up with, that will do just as good a job as the "old & discarded" think of those who have nothing in life, be it food or hope and just be thankful that you can still choose the banal and wasted even if you don't have much else.
Now there is a profusion of tv channels catering as they say to every taste, and trying to get you into things you never even realised existed. History to news, soap to humour, true crime to adverts, betting to health, cooking to diy so many others l am not going to even attempt to name them all. A lot are a waste of time others are brilliant and some not quite sure what side of the fence they have landed hopping between appalling and brilliant.
We have lost, l am sure it's loosing wasn't lamented the "cheap wax" paper on a roll. That stuff was deadly l don't know if anyone ever found a use for it be interesting if there was a use found as it was useless as loo roll.
Now there is thick soft, quilted soft, single skin soft, double quilted soft, recycled soft recycled quilted soft, uggs sorry the thought of recycled loo paper doesn't appeal.
Colours can match with any bathroom you care to put in, and there is some pretty awful bathrooms out there.
Washing up liquid l thought we had reached the zenith of these a couple of years ago with flavours like Lavender. Yet again l was wrong marketing men have gone positively nuts. Ginger and nutmeg, green tea, strawberry & peach, cucumber, apple blossom, summers day to name and along with the new names are new colours. Some very pretty purples or vivid blue they alternate with pale washy creams that look like badly curdled milk.
Every time l go somewhere new to work l find a different flavour and marvel at the mind that can come up with such garbage.
I am surprised they haven't brought out a "meaty flavour" to wash pet food bowls based on the myriad of pet food "flavours" for sale. Those would go off the shelf so fast the head would spin. Common sense has not been a strong point with UK pet owners in the past and it isn't looking like starting any time soon.
People seem to think that each fragrance and or colour must wash up even better than the old one they used as it has a fancy name. The fact it is just suds in a bottle seems to escape them. I just go for the cheap green at least this flurry of flavours has done us dinosaurs a favour, the "old" green has dropped down in price.
So while you wander down those long meandering isles choosing colours and flavours that some nameless suit has come up with, that will do just as good a job as the "old & discarded" think of those who have nothing in life, be it food or hope and just be thankful that you can still choose the banal and wasted even if you don't have much else.
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