Saturday, 30 January 2010

Threat Alerts

If you are PC then do not read the following. If you still have a sense of humour knowing it is humour (well l think it is l mean it couldn't possibly be true), then the following is for you.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of London in 1666.

The Scottish Parliament raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "Strewth!', I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie IS cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


dickiebo said...

Absolutely brilliant - and just what MY readers need after being pummelled with serious matters recently. Hope you don't mind - I shall post this as a 'Guest Post' on mine.

Joker the Lurcher said...

now we welsh just sing...

Vetnurse said...

Hi Dickie sorry so long replying. No of course l don't mind l am honored :-)

Hehehe Joker what about taking a leek?

Anonymous said...

The Aussie one is not quite right. We get more laconic and laid back the worse the situation is.

A splinter under a finger nail is "jeez, that's got to be the biggest splinter I've ever seen. It's huge. Bloody hell, how the **** am I going to hold my tinnie now?".

A decent car crash with a bit of blood and a fracture or two is "jeez, that hurts, and would you look at the mess it's made of me leather seats".

A double amputation is "yeah, mate, I'm feeling a bit crook, but did you see the way Fandangle took the lead in the Melbourne Cup..."

And mutliple injuries, hanging over a cliff by one hand, with a snake crawling up your leg, is "Give us a light will ya, I can't spare a hand for the lighter."