1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
3. If it looks like mine, it’s mine.
4. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
5. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
6. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
7. If you have something and put it down, it’s mine.
8. If I chew something up, all of the pieces are mine.
9. If it used to be your’s, get over it.
10. If it’s broken, it’s your’s.
Showing posts with label Laughter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Laughter. Show all posts
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Talking Animals
A series l have discovered on ytube a whole raft of short very funny clips BBC Walk on the Wild Side
**** **** **** **** ****
Another short clip l have seen this a a plain video. Some one has added voice and now it's hysterical.
Don't have a mouthful of coffee before you look at the clips & be warned there is a lot of cussing in the cat one:
**** **** **** **** ****
Another short clip l have seen this a a plain video. Some one has added voice and now it's hysterical.
Don't have a mouthful of coffee before you look at the clips & be warned there is a lot of cussing in the cat one:
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
Whats in Your Bag?
I decided my bag was to heavy so cleaned it out to see what l had in it.
Apart from brochures from yesterday a bottle of brown sauce now in the kitchen and a spare glasses case there was nothing extra. My bag has been called a "swiss army bag" and the pockets of my uniform are also referred to a "Swiss army pockets"
So l now have:
2 glasses cases and glasses
1 sat nav in case
Earphone for music on phone and mains battery charge
BP cuffs
Pill popper
Fork
Swiss army knife
Purse
Torch
Pens
Tipex pen
Comb
Tissues
Notepad
Thermometer (digital)
Thermomodoms (condoms for thermometers)
Dog leads x2
Scissors
Artery forceps
Key clip for necks
Stethoscope Littmanns Cardiac master 2)
Ibuprophen
Zantac (indigestion tablets)
Lemsip
Strepsil & cough sweet
Tyrozets (throat lozenges)
Paracetomol
Nose drops & vicks nose thing
Deodorant
Ibuprophen cream (aches and pains)
Loads eye lube for ops keep putting them in my pocket and forgetting them
Emla cream
Potato peeler
Pooper scoop bags (roll)
Batteries shoved there when l was asked to look after them from July braai forgot l had them
Cap for soft drinks so l dont have to punch a hole in the cap with my knife. I never take the caps off just drink through the cap.
Not in but usually in:
A book to read
Key ring
Snack of some sort
Soft drinks bottle/s (500ml usually Dr Pepper)
Sat nav screen holder still in the car
Apart from brochures from yesterday a bottle of brown sauce now in the kitchen and a spare glasses case there was nothing extra. My bag has been called a "swiss army bag" and the pockets of my uniform are also referred to a "Swiss army pockets"
So l now have:
2 glasses cases and glasses
1 sat nav in case
Earphone for music on phone and mains battery charge
BP cuffs
Pill popper
Fork
Swiss army knife
Purse
Torch
Pens
Tipex pen
Comb
Tissues
Notepad
Thermometer (digital)
Thermomodoms (condoms for thermometers)
Dog leads x2
Scissors
Artery forceps
Key clip for necks
Stethoscope Littmanns Cardiac master 2)
Ibuprophen
Zantac (indigestion tablets)
Lemsip
Strepsil & cough sweet
Tyrozets (throat lozenges)
Paracetomol
Nose drops & vicks nose thing
Deodorant
Ibuprophen cream (aches and pains)
Loads eye lube for ops keep putting them in my pocket and forgetting them
Emla cream
Potato peeler
Pooper scoop bags (roll)
Batteries shoved there when l was asked to look after them from July braai forgot l had them
Cap for soft drinks so l dont have to punch a hole in the cap with my knife. I never take the caps off just drink through the cap.
Not in but usually in:
A book to read
Key ring
Snack of some sort
Soft drinks bottle/s (500ml usually Dr Pepper)
Sat nav screen holder still in the car
Saturday, 25 September 2010
New Dog Breeds
The American Kennel Club has decided to recognize these new breeds of dogs that are the result of cross breeding:
Collie x Lhaso Apso:
Collapso a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Spitz x Chow Chow:
Spitz-Chow a dog that throws up a lot.
Bloodhound x Borzoi:
Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.
Pointer x Setter:
Poinsetter a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue x Terrier Skye Terrier:
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Pekingese x Lhaso Apso:
Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever:
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland x Basset Hound:
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisers.
Terrier x Bulldog:
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound x Labrador:
Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute x Pointer:
Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collie x Malamute:
Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound x Terrier:
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Poodle x Min Pincher:
PooPin, a dog for constipated people.
Collie x Lhaso Apso:
Collapso a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Spitz x Chow Chow:
Spitz-Chow a dog that throws up a lot.
Bloodhound x Borzoi:
Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.
Pointer x Setter:
Poinsetter a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue x Terrier Skye Terrier:
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Pekingese x Lhaso Apso:
Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever:
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland x Basset Hound:
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisers.
Terrier x Bulldog:
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound x Labrador:
Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute x Pointer:
Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collie x Malamute:
Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound x Terrier:
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Poodle x Min Pincher:
PooPin, a dog for constipated people.
Monday, 5 July 2010
Law of -
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Monday, 12 April 2010
Alternative Door
The following happened a time ago and had us all laughing in disbelief. The little bitch was a sweetie totally unharmed by the night’s proceedings and took it all in her stride.
The owner had gone down to the pub and taken his dog with him. He had had more drink than was good for him...to put it bluntly he was totally pissed, from here it is surmising but:
Unable to work his front door key when he got home he took the next logical step.
He smashed the lounge window. Not sure how he did this as windows are meant to have safety glass.
Once the way was clear he threw the dog into the lounge, lets face it if she climbed in she may have cut herself.
The police and ambulance were called to take him away where he was treated to we are told “rather severe hand and arm wounds” before he had shiny new bracelets decorating his wrists.
The little bitch was collected and spent the night with us in a comfy bed. Actually she had a duvet folded into 4 and was lost in the middle of it snuggled down with a big bowl of food and water by the bed for refreshments.
The real problem with the above situation was that the drunk gentleman smashed in the lounge window of the house he used to live in. We did wonder if that was also the reason his key did not work?
The owner had gone down to the pub and taken his dog with him. He had had more drink than was good for him...to put it bluntly he was totally pissed, from here it is surmising but:
Unable to work his front door key when he got home he took the next logical step.
He smashed the lounge window. Not sure how he did this as windows are meant to have safety glass.
Once the way was clear he threw the dog into the lounge, lets face it if she climbed in she may have cut herself.
The police and ambulance were called to take him away where he was treated to we are told “rather severe hand and arm wounds” before he had shiny new bracelets decorating his wrists.
The little bitch was collected and spent the night with us in a comfy bed. Actually she had a duvet folded into 4 and was lost in the middle of it snuggled down with a big bowl of food and water by the bed for refreshments.
The real problem with the above situation was that the drunk gentleman smashed in the lounge window of the house he used to live in. We did wonder if that was also the reason his key did not work?
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Threat Alerts
If you are PC then do not read the following. If you still have a sense of humour knowing it is humour (well l think it is l mean it couldn't possibly be true), then the following is for you.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of London in 1666.
The Scottish Parliament raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "Strewth!', I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie IS cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of London in 1666.
The Scottish Parliament raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "Strewth!', I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie IS cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Monday, 11 January 2010
Humour and Relaxation
If anyone is looking for a property in the Manchester area this may be ideal. I do not think it is to expensive and is ready to move into. one bedroom house
And this is l am told the Ukraine’s version of “You’ve got talent” and boy does she have talent. I struggle to draw one side of a stick man and get the other to line up.
And this is l am told the Ukraine’s version of “You’ve got talent” and boy does she have talent. I struggle to draw one side of a stick man and get the other to line up.
Thursday, 12 November 2009
L8 Arrivals
Had to share this. Hub does skydive coaching for new exp. jumpers on the way up the system at the centre he jumps at. As so many do not want to leave the nest and he has to almost boot or bribe them up a next level he has decided to start an 8way team for competition with the hard core ones that do not want to leave and hang on in there with claws dug into the nest screaming and crying excuses.
He has decided to call it L8 arrivals. It is all a play on words 8 as it is an 8 way team, L8 arrivals is for those who do not make it into whatever formation as they are to "late" and also for those who are always delayed getting kit or whatever.
It is going to be a very "serious" team and one of the members has taken the liberty of doing the first official painting of the team (the L shaped item on the right of the picture is the plane on take off) As you can see the team are in perfect harmony and will go far.
The wording that doesn't show to well as l had to shrink the pic says.."I forgot my helmet" This is the artist who did just that as about to climb into the plane last weekend.
He has decided to call it L8 arrivals. It is all a play on words 8 as it is an 8 way team, L8 arrivals is for those who do not make it into whatever formation as they are to "late" and also for those who are always delayed getting kit or whatever.
It is going to be a very "serious" team and one of the members has taken the liberty of doing the first official painting of the team (the L shaped item on the right of the picture is the plane on take off) As you can see the team are in perfect harmony and will go far.
The wording that doesn't show to well as l had to shrink the pic says.."I forgot my helmet" This is the artist who did just that as about to climb into the plane last weekend.
Saturday, 10 October 2009
Simons Cat
Sorry l have been a bit MIA lately. I was doing nights and they were very busy so l was a bit brain dead. Then l came off duty with a series of 10 books that the trublood tv series is based on. Have read all 10 in under 3 days. Have to say l loved the books, tv series big rasberry.
As l have been lazy l decided to do the latest Simons Cat that has just come out, have to say l love them they are brilliant.
As l have been lazy l decided to do the latest Simons Cat that has just come out, have to say l love them they are brilliant.
Friday, 25 September 2009
Governmentium (Gv)
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron,
25 assistant neutrons,
88 deputy neutrons,
and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron,
25 assistant neutrons,
88 deputy neutrons,
and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Greens and CPD
I understand that the reason the green party did not get more votes in the election just held was discovered.....................................
The voters kept putting their ballot papers into the recycle bin!
And on that note l am off for a day CPD on offer from Hills pet food on "Renal failure in cats" or something like that l have an idea it is also about "FUS" (cats with blocked bladders).
I finally get to meet one of the nurses off the big vetnurse site, we have spoken to each other on various occasions but never met, only about 400 other regulars off the site to meet.
I shall scandalise the local yokels as l will be barefoot, l find that comfier. Shall shove my shoes into my handbag in case l need them although am not sure why l would in the hotel?
The voters kept putting their ballot papers into the recycle bin!
And on that note l am off for a day CPD on offer from Hills pet food on "Renal failure in cats" or something like that l have an idea it is also about "FUS" (cats with blocked bladders).
I finally get to meet one of the nurses off the big vetnurse site, we have spoken to each other on various occasions but never met, only about 400 other regulars off the site to meet.
I shall scandalise the local yokels as l will be barefoot, l find that comfier. Shall shove my shoes into my handbag in case l need them although am not sure why l would in the hotel?
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Police Dog Antics
We had a police dog in with gastro enteritis. She was so sweet but that hid a neurotic interior. She stood for her drip just kept trying to give sloppy kiss licks to the nearest person but at least she did not try to eat us, she just wriggled a lot.
Then into her kennel which we figured as a walk in would be nice and big for her. After about 20 min. l went in to do some bits and pieces. She had pulled her drip out by walking in circles and it was twisted up on the floor. Stop work, rude comments used and a redrip. Continue other stats get to her and the bag has a huge hole in the kennel is soaking.
Very nasty language used, new bag on and drip stand placed outside the door and the line fed through gap.
20mins later and her drip stand is lying on the floor drip line pulled out. Calling all the gods to flame her and getting big doggie grin and sloppy kisses does not improve things. She could at least look contrite.
All back and working walk off and pretend to go out to see how she took out the drip stand. Under the door comes 2 paws and she bashes around at the wheels. I got the stand just as it went. I swear l heard her mutter “dammit caught” I glared at her muttering very dark thoughts, if she could just stop being so sweet that would help.
Bitter spray on bag and tied back onto her kennel door, inside and her eager grab rebuffed when she aimed for it left her spitting a horrid taste out of her mouth, l got on with work. Having decided she had taken up enough time. 30min. later the same aux that was with the BF situation marches out.
“Didn’t you hear me shouting for help?” she snapped
“Help, No what happened?”
“That stupid, neurotic bloody tit tried to climb into the other kennel l grabbed and pulled it back in but she was bloody heavy and flattened me, then tries to lick me all over the face!”
I didn’t need to ask who she meant. Quick council of war and we put the police dog into a normal large hospital kennel, put the former occupant in the walk in.
Screams and hysteria hit the dog room. There was no way she was being locked in a “tiny kennel” the whole kennel rattled as she hit the doors with paws and teeth and flung her body at the doors. Ignoring her for 5mins while she settled was not going to work. The worst behaved prisoner could have learnt lessons, or maybe she had from them… FFS back to a walk in.
Come 2am and l am doing the stats of the dog next door, a head appears over the top of the wall. Could almost hear the comment “ello there what’s up with him?” I bellowed in frustration and the head and body disappeared backwards with an apologetic scramble and crash as she toppled backwards and knocked the door.
Another council of war and we tie her to the table in prep so she is with us more, not locked in a kennel. Oh no that’s not good enough she does the table walk. Around and around and opps look l pulled my drip line out.
Yet another drip placed and the auxiliary sat, for about 2 hours, on the floor in prep area on a nice thick duvet. Almost hidden under a huge police dog snuggled up on her lap and snoring happily and mug of coffee to hand until she went home.
By then the patient had decided that she would behave. Well apart from the fact that as the aux. walked off the drip was chewed out. We called quits at that stage I left the drip out and she lay down and just moved her eyes around to watch whatever room l went into to make sure l came out again. Thankfully she went home that day.
Then into her kennel which we figured as a walk in would be nice and big for her. After about 20 min. l went in to do some bits and pieces. She had pulled her drip out by walking in circles and it was twisted up on the floor. Stop work, rude comments used and a redrip. Continue other stats get to her and the bag has a huge hole in the kennel is soaking.
Very nasty language used, new bag on and drip stand placed outside the door and the line fed through gap.
20mins later and her drip stand is lying on the floor drip line pulled out. Calling all the gods to flame her and getting big doggie grin and sloppy kisses does not improve things. She could at least look contrite.
All back and working walk off and pretend to go out to see how she took out the drip stand. Under the door comes 2 paws and she bashes around at the wheels. I got the stand just as it went. I swear l heard her mutter “dammit caught” I glared at her muttering very dark thoughts, if she could just stop being so sweet that would help.
Bitter spray on bag and tied back onto her kennel door, inside and her eager grab rebuffed when she aimed for it left her spitting a horrid taste out of her mouth, l got on with work. Having decided she had taken up enough time. 30min. later the same aux that was with the BF situation marches out.
“Didn’t you hear me shouting for help?” she snapped
“Help, No what happened?”
“That stupid, neurotic bloody tit tried to climb into the other kennel l grabbed and pulled it back in but she was bloody heavy and flattened me, then tries to lick me all over the face!”
I didn’t need to ask who she meant. Quick council of war and we put the police dog into a normal large hospital kennel, put the former occupant in the walk in.
Screams and hysteria hit the dog room. There was no way she was being locked in a “tiny kennel” the whole kennel rattled as she hit the doors with paws and teeth and flung her body at the doors. Ignoring her for 5mins while she settled was not going to work. The worst behaved prisoner could have learnt lessons, or maybe she had from them… FFS back to a walk in.
Come 2am and l am doing the stats of the dog next door, a head appears over the top of the wall. Could almost hear the comment “ello there what’s up with him?” I bellowed in frustration and the head and body disappeared backwards with an apologetic scramble and crash as she toppled backwards and knocked the door.
Another council of war and we tie her to the table in prep so she is with us more, not locked in a kennel. Oh no that’s not good enough she does the table walk. Around and around and opps look l pulled my drip line out.
Yet another drip placed and the auxiliary sat, for about 2 hours, on the floor in prep area on a nice thick duvet. Almost hidden under a huge police dog snuggled up on her lap and snoring happily and mug of coffee to hand until she went home.
By then the patient had decided that she would behave. Well apart from the fact that as the aux. walked off the drip was chewed out. We called quits at that stage I left the drip out and she lay down and just moved her eyes around to watch whatever room l went into to make sure l came out again. Thankfully she went home that day.
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
Buffet's and Extreme Sheep
I was not due to work last night but was called in when the shift l was asked to cover was about to start, nothing like forewarning and forward planning.
Anyhow it was a lucky call, we had a great buffet at work last night. There had been a CPD night booked that was cancelled. For some reason best known to those that matter, rather than the mere workers the buffet was still delivered. It was like putting food out for starving locusts the way the night shift descended on it.
Lots and lots of food including, mini pizzas, sausages and pickled onions on sticks, mini samosas, mini spring rolls, tons of different sandwiches, chunky chips, quiche, mixed wraps, salad, sausage rolls (mini), pork pies.
*====*====*====*====*====*====*====*====*====*====*====*====*
My ytube insert is over running l have worked out how to make it smaller, but on my computer it is buffering up black. If you get a blank look when you click "run" leave it it is buffering just nothing showing. Please let me know if you have problems. Here is the URL Extreme Sheep Herding
Anyhow it was a lucky call, we had a great buffet at work last night. There had been a CPD night booked that was cancelled. For some reason best known to those that matter, rather than the mere workers the buffet was still delivered. It was like putting food out for starving locusts the way the night shift descended on it.
Lots and lots of food including, mini pizzas, sausages and pickled onions on sticks, mini samosas, mini spring rolls, tons of different sandwiches, chunky chips, quiche, mixed wraps, salad, sausage rolls (mini), pork pies.
*====*====*====*====*====*====*====*====*====*====*====*====*
My ytube insert is over running l have worked out how to make it smaller, but on my computer it is buffering up black. If you get a blank look when you click "run" leave it it is buffering just nothing showing. Please let me know if you have problems. Here is the URL Extreme Sheep Herding
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Humour Pictures
Sunday, 8 March 2009
Stunning
One more shift before my 11 shifts of lates and nights marathon is done. Thankfully sunday is like tonight 13-23:00 so l will get a good nights sleep. Not much sleep over last night well morning as l was not in bed till about 4am by the time l got home and was in for 1:30 today. Added to that every time l moved in bed my knee felt like someone shoved a red hot poker into it.
Anyhow as my brain is at the moment mushed, and not up to thinking of anything intelligent to say l decided on some humour, with the hope that l will be unbrain tangled in the next couple of days.:
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket, purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right ? !!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ........
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to her self, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return. Still in shock.
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid".
Anyhow as my brain is at the moment mushed, and not up to thinking of anything intelligent to say l decided on some humour, with the hope that l will be unbrain tangled in the next couple of days.:
Pocket Taser Stun Gun
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket, purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right ? !!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ........
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to her self, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return. Still in shock.
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid".
Thursday, 19 February 2009
Days Off and Cat's
I have had a funny few days. In theory l have been off but chasing round trying to choose a phone at different 02 shops. And l can not say l am impressed with their business section we have had several months of being messed about. We are now getting a second reimbursement due to being overcharged, hopefully now solved.
I did not think l was that bad when l got a little bit angry with them on the phone, in the 02 shop yesterday. I told the shop assistant lass next time l would get really angry she went pale. I said l had surely not been that scary and she just gulped, guess l was scary?
Then there has been the garden doing some trimming and want to attack that again today, housework. And finally trying to sort my Mum's computer. It has been running so slow you fall asleep waiting for it to do anything. I think it must be because she only has 480 RAM (or something around mid 400 anyhow) l have defragged, run anti virus/spyware scan and an AOL computer check, and also emptied all the temp files and unused stuff l could find. So if anyone else out there has any ideas on why it would run slow l am open to ideas.
Then topped of with a CPD night last night on "Cat Behaviour" that was very good and held at Chestergates Referral Hospital near Chester. They have a full set up of specialists including MRI and are a very good practice. (but no stand alone website!)
I would like to do more on behaviour for animals but l do not have the money or time to do a proper course which lasts for about 2 or 3 years. And to be honest it is such a complex subject it should be done properly or not at all.
I will give basic advice but anything more involved l send people to proper animal behaviourists. Either or APBT or COAPE or the degree from Southampton University (not sure of it's degree name though).
There is to many people dabbling in it and giving out wrong advice. I have dealt with some really scary behaviour advice from owners that they have been given by so called experts. Just because someone trains dogs or has done a short course they are to my mind not behaviourists. The Cesar Millan The Dog Whisperer type are few and far between.
So as l have been so slack of late l decided to put up some humour and the type of advice a mother cat may pass onto her kittens either that or it is genetic behaviour?
1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.
2. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colours that contrast your own.
4. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
5. For guests that say "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings, or a quick nip on the ankles.
6. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer doorknob with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
7. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
8. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed the second time, push anything movable off the table (pens, pencils, stamps) one at a time.
10. Get enough sleep during the day. Sleep can not interfere with night time activities!
And finally Simons Cat.
I did not think l was that bad when l got a little bit angry with them on the phone, in the 02 shop yesterday. I told the shop assistant lass next time l would get really angry she went pale. I said l had surely not been that scary and she just gulped, guess l was scary?
Then there has been the garden doing some trimming and want to attack that again today, housework. And finally trying to sort my Mum's computer. It has been running so slow you fall asleep waiting for it to do anything. I think it must be because she only has 480 RAM (or something around mid 400 anyhow) l have defragged, run anti virus/spyware scan and an AOL computer check, and also emptied all the temp files and unused stuff l could find. So if anyone else out there has any ideas on why it would run slow l am open to ideas.
Then topped of with a CPD night last night on "Cat Behaviour" that was very good and held at Chestergates Referral Hospital near Chester. They have a full set up of specialists including MRI and are a very good practice. (but no stand alone website!)
I would like to do more on behaviour for animals but l do not have the money or time to do a proper course which lasts for about 2 or 3 years. And to be honest it is such a complex subject it should be done properly or not at all.
I will give basic advice but anything more involved l send people to proper animal behaviourists. Either or APBT or COAPE or the degree from Southampton University (not sure of it's degree name though).
There is to many people dabbling in it and giving out wrong advice. I have dealt with some really scary behaviour advice from owners that they have been given by so called experts. Just because someone trains dogs or has done a short course they are to my mind not behaviourists. The Cesar Millan The Dog Whisperer type are few and far between.
So as l have been so slack of late l decided to put up some humour and the type of advice a mother cat may pass onto her kittens either that or it is genetic behaviour?
1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.
2. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colours that contrast your own.
4. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
5. For guests that say "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings, or a quick nip on the ankles.
6. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer doorknob with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
7. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
8. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed the second time, push anything movable off the table (pens, pencils, stamps) one at a time.
10. Get enough sleep during the day. Sleep can not interfere with night time activities!
And finally Simons Cat.
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
Sex Again
Enjoy the video clip it is of the "Durex Balloon Dogs" l was going to put both up but the bloopers one is good enough on it's own. There is however an edited one without the bloopers. Oh and to get the best laughter use make sure that you have sound on for this clip.
Sunday, 8 February 2009
The Smell
I know that dogs are thought to roll in bad smells as hark back to hunting days when it hid their smell. I just can not believe that any self respecting prey animal would be fooled by some of the disgusting things that dogs roll in.
When we came back to UK from Tenerife the dogs flew back a few days before us. At about 17;00 we took them for a last walk and run before their trip to the airport and a 6month jail term opps l mean quarantine. It was the days before pet passport.
They had great fun on the back area of the flats we lived in. For those who know Tenerife we lived in the flats next to the go kart track near the south airport with lots of unused land around.
Suddenly Wibble disappeared, panic was just starting to set in when she reappeared. OMG, l have never ever smelt anything as bad. She was covered with a sheen that looked like greasy fat and l swear it shimmered with smell. Even the other 2 dogs Poca and Santa backed off sneezing. Hub smacked a hand over his nose, backed off towards the flats and grabbed Poca and Santa muttering “Sort your bloody dog”. Funny how kids and animals are suddenly some one else’s when there is a problem.
We headed back to the flats and even Wib was starting to find her smell odious as she started to pull eagerly towards home. We had a choice once in the building. The lift was faster but fairly slow and there was 4 floors to go up and very confined, would l be able to hold my breath that long. The stairs were the other option, more air circulating but took much longer.
I chose the lift and hoped no one would stop the lift to get aboard, not that they would when the smell hit them but it meant the lift stopping and stuck with the smell for longer.
Once at the top l grabbed a new bottle of fairy liquid, I know you should not use washing up liquid on dogs but this was no ordinary situation. We headed for the roof. It was a top flat and our roof area was a big veranda area for us. I turned on tap and held her under the hosepipe and started to scrub her. In Tenerife as the pipe work runs above ground the water gets very hot. You have to be careful that when you turn on the cold water, especially with hoses, you do not burn the object you are watering. Hot was fine, l needed hot water and grease remover to clean Wib off.
Almost a bottle of fairy liquid later and a whole lake of water to rinse her and l off the pair of us finally smelt almost normal. By 20:00 she was dry fed and back to normal for the airport trip.
We found out afterwards that there was a fat dump where restaurant owners illegally dumped used fat just behind the go-kart track area. In the 40c Tenerife sun it was putrefied beyond belief. Wibble had found it and had a wonderful time. Thankfully she had just rolled in it if she had eaten the stuff god forbid what it would have done to her insides.
When we came back to UK from Tenerife the dogs flew back a few days before us. At about 17;00 we took them for a last walk and run before their trip to the airport and a 6month jail term opps l mean quarantine. It was the days before pet passport.
They had great fun on the back area of the flats we lived in. For those who know Tenerife we lived in the flats next to the go kart track near the south airport with lots of unused land around.
Suddenly Wibble disappeared, panic was just starting to set in when she reappeared. OMG, l have never ever smelt anything as bad. She was covered with a sheen that looked like greasy fat and l swear it shimmered with smell. Even the other 2 dogs Poca and Santa backed off sneezing. Hub smacked a hand over his nose, backed off towards the flats and grabbed Poca and Santa muttering “Sort your bloody dog”. Funny how kids and animals are suddenly some one else’s when there is a problem.
We headed back to the flats and even Wib was starting to find her smell odious as she started to pull eagerly towards home. We had a choice once in the building. The lift was faster but fairly slow and there was 4 floors to go up and very confined, would l be able to hold my breath that long. The stairs were the other option, more air circulating but took much longer.
I chose the lift and hoped no one would stop the lift to get aboard, not that they would when the smell hit them but it meant the lift stopping and stuck with the smell for longer.
Once at the top l grabbed a new bottle of fairy liquid, I know you should not use washing up liquid on dogs but this was no ordinary situation. We headed for the roof. It was a top flat and our roof area was a big veranda area for us. I turned on tap and held her under the hosepipe and started to scrub her. In Tenerife as the pipe work runs above ground the water gets very hot. You have to be careful that when you turn on the cold water, especially with hoses, you do not burn the object you are watering. Hot was fine, l needed hot water and grease remover to clean Wib off.
Almost a bottle of fairy liquid later and a whole lake of water to rinse her and l off the pair of us finally smelt almost normal. By 20:00 she was dry fed and back to normal for the airport trip.
We found out afterwards that there was a fat dump where restaurant owners illegally dumped used fat just behind the go-kart track area. In the 40c Tenerife sun it was putrefied beyond belief. Wibble had found it and had a wonderful time. Thankfully she had just rolled in it if she had eaten the stuff god forbid what it would have done to her insides.
Thursday, 22 January 2009
Wildlife Vet Work
Working with wildlife can be challenging and this video explains some of the pitfalls.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
