Press ........

Although in humour l think l have heard all the following or variations of them and more over the years. Especially doing the emergency night work.

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Press 01 to make an appointment.

Press 02 to tell us your life history as well as your pets.

Press 03 to speak directly to a human doctor.

Press 04 if you feel your pets condition is more important than the emergency patient the vet is currently seeing.

Press 05 if your pet's condition has persisted 6 months but has suddenly become an emergency and needs seeing this evening because your are going on holiday tomorrow.

Press 06 if you want us to trim the nails on your 100 pound aggressive dog.

Press 07 if you demand immediate treatment but would like us to hold a check for you until next month.

Press 08 if you would like to post date a previously postdated check.

Press 09 if you need to bring in 10 unvaccinated puppies with vomiting and diarrhoea and you'll only have £10 in your pocket.

Press 10 if you plan to arrive at our surgery facility in a new Jaguar XJS but can only pay for routine vaccinations at £5 a month.

Press 11 if you want to express your unfounded anger at a receptionist or veterinary nurse.

Press 12 to determine if your pet's condition is serious enough to be seen immediately. If it is after midnight, our team of experts will be standing by to debate the issue with you for as long as it takes to agree it can wait until tomorrow.

Press 13 if your pet hasn't eaten in 10 days and you've only just become concerned.

Press 14 if your reptilian pet has been living in an incredibly small tank in a cold dark room and has not eaten for 60 days, despite you having offered it several types of chocolate and crisps.

Press 15 if your pet has removed its bandage because you took off the buster-collar (bucket shaped neck wear), even though we explicitly requested you leave it on.

Press 16 to find out our busiest times, so that you can ensure that when you show up without an appointment and demand to be seen, maximum chaos will ensue.

Press 17 if you would like to disagree with the veterinarians' diagnosis or treatment plan because you read something different on the 'net.

Press 18 if you think people have been coming into your house at night and pulling out your cat's teeth (and all teeth are present on exam).

Press 19 if you need to ask the same question 30 times just in case the answer might change.

Press 20 if you think that your dog is suicidal.

Press 21 if, even after three previous phone calls in which you were told that we are a Veterinary Hospital and DO NOT sell parrots, you still need clarification of the matter!

Press 22 if your dog hasn't had a bowel movement in more than 8 days, you are just now getting concerned, and you just want free advice over the phone.

Press 23 if you are not a client but were referred by a "good friend" and you want to call the vet at home in the early morning as she is trying to get ready for work and get her kid up for school as you can talk about your pet who has been seen by another vet but is not getting better and you want to set up an appointment with her for a second opinion but first you want to know how much for an exam fee.

Press 24 if you are allergic to electricity and want all the electric equipment turned off while you are in the clinic.

Press 25 if you get a puppy from the shelter, it comes down with parvo, and you are extremely angry that no vet will treat it for free.

Press 26 if you want to know what type of home medical care you need to give your dead rabbit when you pick it up.

Press 27 if you would like to call the vet at home after hours on his/her day off to discuss whether your pet's problem is worth bothering the vet who's on call (at the same practice).

Press 28 if you would like an appointment to strip in the exam room to show the vet (pick one):
a) the skin rash/sores that you think are caused by your pet,
b) your current surgery incisions to see whether they are healing properly and whether or not the vet thinks that the human surgeon did the surgery properly,
c) your old surgery/battle scars so you can boast what a tough person you are and why your pet doesn't need pain meds for its pending surgical procedure,
d) your skin lumps to see if the vet thinks they need to be removed (and whether or not the vet would be willing to remove them instead of going to their human doctor).

Press 29 if you still consider the cat you've owned for 10 years a stray because now it is sick.

Press 30 if you are angry because you declined all treatments and your pet is now decompensating rapidly.

Press 31 if your unspayed 10 year old dog has been in labour for over 2 days (when you suddenly realize she was pregnant), and you now suspect "somethin's wrong".

Press 32 if your "rockwilder got the mange".

Press 33 if your 200lb Newfoundland has ingested 5 Cadburys' buttons and you're worried he will die.

Press 34 if you've already given your kitten paracetamol and want to know if it was the right thing to do!

Press 35 if your dog was neutered 6 weeks ago and you are angry because the testicles were removed.

Press 36 if your dog got into your stash of pot but you don't want to admit it for fear of what we'll "think" of you.

Press 37 if you want your dog to be spayed but want the vet to come to the house and crawl under the porch to do it because she will not come out.

Press 38 if you think your chinchilla has a urinary tract infection because you've observed him "sucking his penis" (client actually used a different noun that rhymes with rock).